Paddy O'Murphy's letter to the Vasectomy Clinic

Dear Sir

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after 9 years of marriage and 12 children (not counting the one on the way), I have come to the conclusion that contraception is totally useless.

After getting married, I was advised by the priest to use the RHYTHM METHOD. Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha-cha. Since priests don't generally have much cause to know about birth control I spoke to my doctor who suggested using the SAFE PERIOD. At the time we were still living with my in-laws and had to wait 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty; needless to say, this didn't work.

The doctor also mentioned the BILLINGS METHOD which was fairly successful as my wife didn't get pregnant, but then I've never heard of anyone getting pregnant by a thermometer. We had to give this up because she wasn't very satisfied and frankly I was getting bored.

A mate at work told me that PULLING OUT ON TIME stopped his wife from having children. Although I set the alarm clock carefully, it didn't help - sometimes I got bored waiting for it to ring and pulled out early,sometimes it rang too soon and I had to hurry to finish. At least my wife could tell the doctor the exact time she conceived.

A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love WHILE BREAST-FEEDING we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did end up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt healthy. But my wife was pregnant again. Another mate said that if my wife JUMPED UP AND DOWN AFTER INTERCOURSE, it would prevent pregnancy. This she did, but what with all the earlier breast-feeding, she ended up with 2 black eyes and eventually knocked herself out. As for doing it STANDING UP, my wife is 6 foot 3 and I am 5 foot 3 and kept falling off the box I had to stand on to do it.

I finally resorted to non-natural birth control and asked the Chemist about the SHEATH. The Chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant almost immediately, which didn't surprise me;I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb (as the Chemist showed me) can prevent babies. The Chemist also sold me some SPERMICIDAL CREAM. This is all very well, but have you ever tried to catch the buggers and rub the cream in? We also tried the SPONGE which was advertised as a new method. She washed with it every night, but it didn't seem to make any difference. For all the good it did she might as well have stuffed it up her fanny.

My wife was then fitted with the COIL and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised that we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw. The DUTCH CAP came next and we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas, it did give my wife a headache. We were given the largest size available, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

In view of our problems, our Doctor gave us the new-fangled VAGINAL RING which was on trial at the time. He told my wife to keep it in place for a month. This was hard to do as it was too big for her finger and she had to keep her hands clenched to keep it on. Despite clenching her fists during intercourse, she was soon in the family way again.

Finally I told her to go on the PILL so she took aspirin regularly. 1 now know that claims of 99% safety for pills are just advertising blarney. At least it cured the headaches she got from the Dutch Cap. Could you suggest a more effective pill? Aspirin was the most convenient as it is readily available etc, but we could try paracetamol or nurofen if you think it would work better. Someone suggested holding the pill between her legs, but this defeats the object of the exercise since it renders intercourse impossible in all but the kinkiest of positions.

I thought about having a VASECTOMY, but I really don't see how wearing a tie will make any difference; besides I already belong to the local Social Club and can't afford membership subs for joining a vasectomy club. I also understand that you join for life in order to get the tie and with the 12 kids this would put a great strain on our finances. At present we are reduced to ORAL SEX, but I'm sure you'll agree that just talking about it is no substitute for the real thing. You must appreciate my frustration and our problem.

Yours pleadingly

Paddy O'Murphy

PS: Please can you advise me of the accuracy of PREGNANCY TESTING KITS? My wife passed water over the sticks, but even when she was several months gone they came up negative. We think this is because we live in a hard water area and the sticks are designed for use in soft water areas. For all the use they were, she might as well have p***ed on them.

{{{giggle giggle}}} the whole way through.... then the last line .... Too too funny