Samhain's on the way - look out!!!

Top 13 Reasons to become a Witch


13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you comeback...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!

Circle Etiquette


Never summon Anything you can't banish. (Tomi)

Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.

Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

Never, ever set the Witch on fire.

Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.

A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons like those.

Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.

Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes. (Tomi)

If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbors name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.

Blood is thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form

Q: How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's a third degree secret.

Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

How to Annoy Wiccans


Rearrange their altar.

Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.

Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.

Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.

Turn their pentagrams upside down.

Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.

Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"

Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.

Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.

Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...

When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.

Put fire wood around the maypole.

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster or murderer, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Crystal Lake, Salem, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple uns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

I have just finished reading all your posts, Aurora - they are really funny!!!!

Top Ten Reasons Why Witches Don't Worship Satan
10- Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9- Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8- Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7- Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6- Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5- Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4- The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3- Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame (is difficult on the older coven members).
2- Demons smell even worse than brimstone
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN........
1- Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!

The Top 10 Ways To Annoy A Pagan
10. Sayyyyyyy, is that a Jewish star?
9. No, then you must listen to Motley Crue, right? Not that, either? I know, it's a ... a ... Pentacost, right?
8. You guys really worship the devil, huh? Cool, I, like, listen to Black Sabbath, like, all the time, dude.
7. Oh, you're a Witch! I'm like, totally into, like, Goddess Consciousness. I sleep with a crystal every night, and have an Atlantean spirit guide. Will you teach me all the secrets of your religion?
6. I hear you Pagans do all your stuff in the nude. Wanna show me?
5. You will all burn in Hell. The Goddess is really Satan in drag. You don't believe in Satan? Boy, does he have you fooled!
4. Fascinating. I'm a sociologist; may I study you as a phenomena?
3. Do you really believe in all that nonsense?
2. You worship the Goddess? Poor thing; you obviously haven't heard about Jesus. Here, let me tell you... And (drum roll, please):
1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initated at a higher level than you. I was initated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elvish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.

An Online Initiation Ritual
copyright Raven Gilmartin 2000
HPS>> Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks
EAST>> Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies next week :-(
HP>> Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business?
EAST>>Yes, sorry
HP>> We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready?
WEST>> Present
EAST>> Ready
SOUTH>>Roger
INITIATE>> I am ready
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>> North?
>~~(1minute pause)~~
HP>>NORTH??
NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot
HPS>> Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready?
INITIATE>> Not yet-- hold on, I need to get a pillow
HP>>Pillow?
INITIATE>>Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>> Ok, I am ready and skyclad
HPS>>Good, now do you have the cord?
INITIATE>> Yes, I have an orange one I got on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok?
HP>>It will have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cord up around your neck...
INITIATE>>Ummm.... I can't do that by myself..
HPS>>Do you have anyone there to help you?
INITIATE>>Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here
HP>>OK, forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold?
INITIATE>>Yes, I do
HPS>>OK, put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us about four minutes
INITIATE>>OK, I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready for me?
HP>>Do you have an alarm clock?
INITIATE>>Yes, but it's in my room
HP>>Can you go get it?
INITIATE>>Yes, but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room
HPS>>Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240
INITIATE>>OK
>~~(4 minute pause)~~
HPS>> Initiate?
>~~(1minute pause)
HP>>INITIATE??
HPS>>Maybe he got disconnected?
INITIATE>>I am here-- are you ready for me?
HPS>>Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword?
INITIATE>>Sword?
HP>>Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way
INITIATE>>I don't have a sword..
HP>>Do you have an athame?
INITIATE>>no..
HP>>Do you have anything sharp in there?
INITIATE>>There's a pen on the desk..
HP>>Ok, point the pen at your heart
INITIATE>>OK
HP>>How do you enter this circle?
INITIATE>>In perfect love and perfect trust
HPS>>Good, now I need to whisper the sacred words to you
INITIATE>>whisper?
HPS>>Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them
INITIATE>>No, only one?
HPS>>Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB
HPS has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS has joined the chat room**
HPS>>Ok, I mailed them
INITIATE>>OK, I'll go look
INITIATE has left the chat room**
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
INITIATE has joined the chatroom**
INITIATE>>I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down
HPS>>OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into the circle
INITIATE>>from behind?
HPS>>Yes, kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok, just pretend I am pushing you into the circle
INITIATE>>Ok
HPS>>Now we are going to go around the circle three times.
INITIATE>>OK
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>>Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge
INITIATE>>OK
HP>>You must kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you
INITIATE>>Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer?
HP>>Can you kneel and still see the screen?
HPS>>If he kneels he must also put his head down on the floor
HP>>Well, I guess he can't kneel then
HPS>>Yes, he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you
INITIATE>>OK
HPS>>I am now scourging you
>~~(2 minute pause)~~
HPS>>Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times
>~~(1 minute pause)
HPS>>Initiate?
HP>>INITIATE???
INITiATE>> I am here, now what do I need to do?
HP>>You must imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess
WEST>>I need to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed
HP>>Can you feed him at the computer?
WEST>>Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door?
>~~( 1 minute pause)~~
WEST>>I really need to go-- the baby is crying
HP>>NORTH??
>NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot
HP>>Can you cut West a door? NOW?
NORTH>>OK, all set
WEST has left the chatroom**
HPS>> Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back?
SOUTH>>I think we should continue
EAST>>We should wait
WEST has joined the chatroom**
WEST>>I am back, North can you cut me back in?
>~~( 1minute pause)~~
HP>>NORTH!!!
NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set
HP>>Ok, where were we?
HPS>>The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine that he is plying the scourge
INITIATE>>Ok, I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess
>~~( 2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE>>I am done
HP>>Priestess?
>~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS>>I need to go right now
HP>>Why? We are not finished here
HPS>> I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches
HPS has left the chatroom**
HP>>OK, we'll make this a healing circle instead
INITIATE>>I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing
INITIATE has left the chatroom**
HP>> OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night
**Chatroom closed**

Top 10 Pagan Pick-Up Lines
10. "Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?"
9. "Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?"
8. "Would you like to come over to my place and widdershins?"
7. "Your feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long."
6. "Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?"
5. "Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not legal marriage."
4. "So, do you draw down the moon here often?"
3. "What's a nymph-goddess like you doing in a circle like this?"
2. "You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen."
1. "Is that a Maypole in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

May Pole ... He he he

Quote :

1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initated at a higher level than you. I was initated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elvish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.

- This is excellent (I will keep to myself who I am thinking of when I read this!!!)